Buddha Smite Thee
by Arenas
Summary: Mal, Zoë and Book are completing a run while a drunken Jayne is looked after by Simon, Kaylee, Wash, and River. Madness ensues.


**Buddha Smite Thee**

_Cowritten with Heather68_

**Rating**: PG-13 for mild cussing, some alcoholism, and violence

**Summary**: Mal, Zoë, and Book are completing a run while a drunken Jayne is looked after by Simon, Kaylee, Wash, and River. Madness ensues.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own nothin', we're not worthy.

**Author's Notes: **For a fic challenge that got just a little out of control on our end, but it should still be fun to read.

Mal looked distrustfully out over the cargo bay. He knew he'd sworn off cows, but he weren't entirely sure he wanted to be enterprisin' on farm critters again. Specially these stupid little birds, kept steppin' on each other and peckin' each other's feathers out. Only good come of this cargo was the free eggs pop out of 'em afore they landed on Athens. Eggs went well with protein.

Kaylee came runnin' up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Cap'n everythin' set."

"Really, now." Mal tried to look optimistic and failed somewhat miserably. "_Serenity_'s all set to land so's we c'n get rid of our charmin' cargo?"

"Yup, everythin's ready to go, Jayne'll be ready just as soon as he…"

Mal blinked. "You made that kinda ominouslike. What's Jayne doin'?"

"Ya don' wanna know captain."

"I'm pretty sure I don't wanna know, but tell me anyway."

"He's gettin' 'quainted with the product my inter-engine fermentation system."

"And…Kaylee…?"

"It ain't my fault."

"I'm sure it…ain't…but it don't answer how Jayne got hisself a hold some quality alcohol."

"It's Jayne, Cap'n, ya know he gets hisself inta all sorts a trouble without meanin ta."

"Where was you leavin' it he could get a hold a-"

"MY LUV FER ME NOW AIN'T HARD T'SPLAIN, TH'EERO…Hey, ruttin' chick thing! LISTEN TA ME!" A loud crash echoed up from the bay and a bit of exploring turned up the sight of Jayne kicking a box that held a lot of agitated chickens.

"Jayne!" Mal barked.

"Wha-? Mal? What the ruttin' 'ell, now?"

"Don't tease the cargo!" Mal called as loudly and as clearly as he could.

Kaylee giggled. "Told ya he were drunk."

Mal glared at the cheerful mechanic. "I know this was yer fault and this is the absolute last time ya get to tease Jayne 'n put him in compramisin' situations. Yer lucky we ain't runnin'…"

"Runnin' what?"

Mal grasped for purchase in the conversation. "Runnin'…big damn animals! Go git to the engine room, 'n call Zoë. Book too, he's farmwise."

"Yes sir Captain Tightpants," she laughed, running off as told.

"'N what'd I tell you 'bout usin' that name?" Mal yelled.

Kaylee stopped, "That it was manly and impulsive?"

"B-bb-!" he sputtered. "No! It ain't manly nor impulsive! Now I forbid ya to talk to Inara anymore!"

"Cap'n," she whined.

"I mean it! Go get Zoë! Pry her from her husband's needy fingers iffin' ya have to!"

She saluted and took off up the stairs, laughing the whole way. Mal sighed, shaking his head. Nobody respected him. Not that he really tried to exert his authority much. Maybe that was the difference. He heard another crash and an explosion of clucking.

"Jayne!"

"Wha-? Who's ere?"

"Jayne…this is Buddha."

"Buddha…?" Mal didn't have to see Jayne's expression to be able to imagine the wide-eyed disbelief.

"Yeah! Jayne Cobb, you stop scarin' my chickens."

"Them's yer chickens? I-I didn't know! I'm sorry, I didn't mean ta!" Jayne's voice got high and pleading.

"I know, I know, and I fergive ya, but ya gotta promise not ta kick or tease or harass or harm my chickens anymore."

There was a long pause, as though Jayne was trying to wrap his mind around this new fact. "C'n I throw grenades at em?"

"NO!" Mal shouted.

"Sorry, sorry!" Jayne whimpered. "I'll just be…goin'…now…"

"You do that," Mal nodded slowly. He almost let out a sigh, but decided to wait until he heard the clunk of Jayne's boots thud towards the infirmary and the passenger bunks.

Zoë sidled up next to Mal, "You tormentin' Jayne again, sir?"

Mal jumped and spun around, almost falling off the catwalk and onto the chickens below. He didn't bother masking the annoyed look. "You tormentin' innocent captains again, Zoë?"

"Yes sir."

"Good…good we've had this little chat. Yer helpin' me unload. Book'll be along shortly. Jayne…is occupied."

"He isn't by chance occupied with the notion that those are Buddha's chickens, sir?"

"He surely is. 'N it's gonna keep him occupied fer the length of our unloadin'. Can't have him hurtin' our cargo none. After all, I hear the reward's good. Don't wanna jeopardize that, do we?"

"No, sir, I reckon we don't."

"Good. Wash'll set us down, hopefully without the killin' us bit, we'll finish the job, get off this backwards planet afore you c'n spit."

"Can we do it without the spittin', sir?"

"Sure. Just don't get in the way a my spittin'."

"Is the captain being lewd again?" Book asked, emerging from the main walk.

"Entirely too," Zoë answered wryly.

"Oh good," Book nodded pleasantly.

"Can we all _not_ make fun a the captain fer five minutes?" Mal frowned.

"Five minutes? I dunno, sir, five minutes is an awful long time ta keep quiet."

"All right, travelers, we are landing in five…four…three…two…one…" Wash counted down over the speaker. Mal blinked when there was no soft thump to signify landing.

"We land?" He frowned. There was a shuddering boom, sending Mal careening into the railings for the second time that day.

"Zero," Wash announced.

"FIVE….gorram minutes," Mal grumbled.

Jayne weren't thinkin' clear. At least, he didn't think he was. He somehow got to the dinin' room. At least…it looked like the dinin' room. He didn't remember climbin' no steps but…he weren't gonna argue with perception. He sat on the chair.

_Awful squishy chair_, he thought.

He looked around, hopin' fer some free, easy food within grasp. All he found was a box on the table. In fact…looked like the table was about even with the chair. Jayne wasn't sure he'd done grown or the table shrunk or what, but hell…food. He opened it up and frowned.

There was stuff in it, but it weren't edible. Some kinda book 'n some kinda eye thing…He picked the eyewear up and placed them over his eyes. They was kinda…red. 'N circular. Jayne blinked owlishly.

"What are you_ doing_?" Simon asked confusion and shock coloring his tone.

Jayne blinked. "I dunno. What're you doin'?"

Simon ran a hand through his hair, "A-ja-di-you…OUT!"

Jayne frowned confusedly. "Weren't no Chinese I recognize. Come again?"

"Out, get out!"

"Can't order me outta the dinin' room," Jayne snorted. "'S everyone's space, that."

"Dining room?" Simon asked slowly, "Oh boy…Jayne this isn't the dining room."

"Sure it is! There's the…" Jayne trailed off. The room was meltin' kinda funny. Dinin' room had more…cab'nets 'n stuff…dinnit? "Well this is the…" No…either he'd gone sittin' on the table or the chair was definitely not in the spot it usually was. "Then…well, what's in that box there then?" Jayne pointed at the one he'd opened.

"You've been going through my things?"

"No! Tha's food! Yer holdin' out on us, doc! Ain't no food stores 'n you!-…yer hidin' it!" Jayne's eyes narrowed behind the red glasses.

"Let's not be…hasty," Simon said, backing up. "I'll just go get the…oof!" He turned around in shock. "KAYLEE!" He paused taking her new apparel. "What are you wearing?"

"This?" Kaylee asked, twirling around with a smile. "You like?"

"I-"

"Ya wearin' a poodle?" Jayne asked loudly. He looked severely confused. "Don'tcha know them's Buddha's poodles?"

"Mal been on him 'bout the Buddha poodles again?" Kaylee asked Simon resignedly.

"Buddha…poodles?"

"Tha's right, 'n them's his chickens too! He gets pissed when ya throw grenades at 'em!"

"Grenades are a state of mind," River said dreamily. "Give a chicken a grenade, goes pop. All over your face and your clothes, covered in gravy and bits of shrapnel till you can't tell where the chicken begins and the cotton ends. Don't give grenades to chickens. They'll hurt you."

"_Mei mei_, how long have you been listening?"

"She ain't done nothing, Simon, she just done shown up."

Jayne was done bein' quiet. He wanted answers to life's greatest mysteries, 'specially the one standin' starin' him right at the face. "Why the hell you got a poodle strapped to yer waist?"

Kaylee huffed annoyed. "It ain't real poodle. It's fake, ya know like the boogeyman or that Vera lady we ain't never met."

Jayne's eyes immediately widened behind the coloured lenses. "Vera…is…too…real…" he snarled.

"But then, how come we ain't met her yet?"

"Cause she's too good fer you ruttin' dumbasses!"

Simon gazed speculatively at Jayne. "If she is so much better than us, then why is she with you?"

Kaylee smacked Simon's arm. "That weren't very nice of ya ta say Simon."

"Ya wanna go, doc?" Jayne snapped.

"No, no he don't," Kaylee intervened quickly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Simon asked angrily.

"You can't win," River piped up blithely. "He has a mighty roar."

"River?"

"She's gotta point Simon," Kaylee said.

"Uh…yeah!" Jayne lurched to his feet, sliding a six inch blade out of a sheath at his waistband. "Yer askin' fer trouble, now ya got it. Roar!"

Except Jayne wasn't paying attention to his feet. Havin' been sittin' down fer a longish period of time, he'd forgotten that he weren't 'sactly as light on his feet as he'd've liked. He tripped on air and stumbled into Simon, the blade having been dropped within that five second span.

Simon caught Jayne round the waist as they both fell to the ground with a thud.

"You ok Simon?" Kaylee asked worriedly.

Jayne grunted, squinting up through the now cracked glasses. "Hey, this ain't the dinin' hall."

"No," Simon groaned, pushing Jayne's bulky body off him. "This ain't the dinin' hall," he mocked, sitting up. Kaylee placed her hand gently on his shoulder. He stared up at her dumbly for a moment.

Jayne, out of spite, kneed Simon in the crotch. He pushed to his knees slowly, trying to collect his bearings, not that it was exactly easy. It took a moment for the pain in his hand to slog its way to his brain. He glanced at the offending palm idly and saw the ribbon of blood blossoming across it. The blood shining on the knife looked even more sinister considering the red of the glasses.

River sighed heavily, "Crimson runs wildly down paths formed in the past." She took Jayne's hand in hers gently and turned it over. She pressed around the edge of the cut, watching the blood bubble over.

Jayne's eyes widened. "Hey, hey, I c'n tend my own hurts, crazy girl! Leggo!" He looked downright spooked.

River smiled patiently, not letting go of his hand. She tried to get him to stand up, but he wouldn't budge much to her dismay.

"River, honey, maybe ya should let go of Jayne before you get hurt."

"Yeah, best listen ta the cheerful mechanic, now," Jayne added. He tried yanking his hand back, only to wince as his wrist popped.

River looked down at the ground and muttered, "He is crying tears of red from his hand. He needs to be where there is warmth and togetherness. He needs to be healed by family."

"No! No family! No! Jus' need a pick-me-up 's all. Look, I ain't bleedin' so much!" Jayne added.

"You can't get through this alone," River said sternly. "You'll die."

"Die?" Jayne yelled. "I ain't gonna die!"

"You need to go with her or you'll die." She looked vaguely amused with this statement, as though she might have been teasing, but Jayne weren't at all sure. The drinkin' mighta had summat to do with that.

"I don't wanna die," he said softly.

Kaylee put her hands on her hips, "You ain't diein'."

"That girl's got an unnat'ral sense 'bout stuff…maybe she's right…" Jayne looked at Kaylee unhappily through the wedge in the glasses where a chip of red had fallen out.

River took the glasses off his face and folded them before tossing them over her shoulder.

"River!" Simon cried, picking up his broken glasses.

"They fogged his vision, made him angry. Now he can see clear, happy. Calm, at peace, he has no more inner turmoil," she smiled.

"Now, I wouldn' be sayin' that," Jayne muttered.

"See Jayne she ain't out ta get ya," Kaylee said cheerfully.

"Don't mean I trust 'er any more." He looked sullen, like a kid whose ice planet fell off the string and landed in a great puddle of mud. "Still bleedin', ain't I?"

"Yer bleedin' cause yer drunk," Kaylee refuted.

"I ain't bleedin' drink, girl!" he snapped. "Iffin I was, I'd be happy, 'n gettin' drunker. My buzz is gone as it is." He got to his feet, mindful of the fallen knife this time. Jayne slid it back into the sheath and staggered over to the doorway. He was careful to leave a big, messy handprint on the wall, for Simon to clean.

"The man doesn't know why he is what he is," River said sadly, watching Jayne leave.

Simon stood up shakily, wincing, "I'm sure he does, _meimei_."

River sighed and shook her head aggravated as she waltzed off in the opposite direction.

Jayne didn't glance backwards. He didn't even spare a moment to check the status of Buddha's chickens. He needed food iffin he was done ridin' the alcohol high. Best way to do that was the dinin' area. Get bandaged up 'n food in the same spot right convenientlike. 'N best of all, that ruttin' girl wouldn't be there. He didn't think.

He all but collapsed in a chair, resting his hand palm up on the table. He didn't quite have the energy to get up 'n clean it yet. Maybe later. 'Cept his only other option was eatin' summat, 'n the food was too far away fer Jayne to want to get up and attempt it. It didn't leave him a lot of options. So he opted to remain seated and try levitatin' the food over to him.

River hovered in the corner watching Jayne glare at the protein. She sighed inaudibly and silently slunk nearer. She didn't want to startle him, but she knew no matter what she would. The man startled easily around her. She frowned, wanting just once for something to come out of her mouth that sounded sane. She knew it wasn't going to happen. It never happened. She came to a stop beside him, not saying anything, waiting for him to notice her.

However, Jayne's concentration on moving the protein was something of a great exertion on his part. A vein was standing out vividly on his forehead and it looked like he was thinking harder than anybody had ever thought possible of the merc. There would be no way he noticed anything outside of the protein short of sudden auditory or visual stimuli. Or unless he bled out; that was a possibility right then too.

River sat on the edge of the table directly in his line of sight.

_That_ got a reaction. The force of the startle sent the chair flying backwards—with Jayne still in it. The flow of curses and angry shouting easily covered up the clatter of the chair on the metal floor.

River crossed her legs at the ankle, "The average man falls at zero to sixty mph in three seconds."

Jayne had backed up against a wall, glaring angrily at River. "Why don't you crawl back into whatever you came from and leave me the hell alone afore I shoot yer pretty little head in?"

River bit her lip and bowed her head. "She doesn't mean to but she does."

"Yeah, cause yer creepifyin' 'n yer crazy," he growled.

She sniffled, slipping quietly off the table. "The man does not comprehend the closeness of their situations."

"I ain't no gorram man! Well…I am, but don't you be ruttin' callin' me that. I got a name, a perfectly good one."

"Jayne," she whispered tearfully, staring up at him. Without another word she left the dining hall.

"'N she's gotta go makin' it sound like a gorram insult," Jayne sighed angrily. It was always his fault. He trudged after her, knowing that while she might be mad now, weren't gonna be worth nothin' iffin she came 'n killed him in his sleep cause he didn't kiss 'n make up. He felt irritated beyond all hell right now, but he still kinda wanted to live.

He caught up with her in the walkway towards the catwalk. Jayne grabbed her wrist to stop her and tug her flush to his body. If he noticed the blood still slicking his fingers, he didn't show it. "You listen here. Iffin yer pissed at me, I wanna fix it now so's I can sleep tonight."

River stared up at him with a small smile. She cocked her head to the side. "She is mad at the man that caused her insides to hurt like a thousand stab wounds."

Jayne cocked an eyebrow. "Well that's right unsettlin'. You ain't gonna go…wonky…on me 'n try 'n stab me or nothin'?"

River laughed airly.

"You are, I know it," Jayne muttered. He shook her roughly, getting her to focus on him as best he could. It wasn't much, but it'd do. "Gorram it, girl, I don't wanna die, liken I said. I'd do ya first, but I figure Mal'd get a mite touchy 'n I ain't lookin' ta die cause he shot me neither. What do I gotta do ta know you ain't gonna gut me tonight?"

River exhaled sharply. "She can't let her feelings be tangled up like threads of yarn," When she saw the still distrusting look, she stomped her foot. "The man doesn't comprehend."

"He clearly don't," Jayne snorted. He didn't relinquish his grip yet though, he still hadn't gotten a satisfactory answer. "But that ain't what I'm askin', girl."

River gazed at him pleadingly, "She speaks not with tongues but with eyes and limbs."

Jayne felt a very uncomfortable feeling creep into his belly. "Ya comin' on ta me, girl?"

She smiled slowly, giving him a pointed look.

He shook his head, backing away from her. He seemed to have forgotten about his iron-fisted grip on her upper arm. He only stopped the nervous motions when the railings above the bay arrested his backwards momentum.

"No, no, no, crazy girl, no! No!" He floundered, trying to come up with a better response. "N-...No!"

River chuckled, but her expression was still sad, "She never got her chance. Not with boys, never with boys. She was taken away before she got the chance to live."

"Well that ain't my fault, is it?" Jayne cruelly pointed out.

River sniffled and shook her head, backing away from him rapidly. He let her go finally. He seemed to take inventory of the situation, glancing at the freshly broken open scab on his palm and the macabre hand prints on River's arm. Aw hell…she was gonna kill him now.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

She looked up at him with a pained expression, before turning tail and fleeing.

"_Ai ya hwai la_!" Jayne hissed. "Girl! Get back here!"

River didn't turn around and didn't stop, not even when she flew past Kaylee and Simon. She went racing through the halls until she hit the bridge and stopped short, breathing heavily.

Wash spun around in the chair, fighting not to immediately look guilty or bothered. He settled on politely confused. "River? Is everything…? You have blood on your…" he waved vaguely at his own arm. "I-I mean it's on your arm."

River looked at her arm and touched it daintly. "It's tainted."

"You could say that. Are you hurt?" Wash got up and moved swiftly over to the girl side. He knelt before her, gasping her elbows lightly. "Do you need to get down to the infirmary?"

She shook her head. "Not hurt."

"Uh…all right. How's about we get that cleaned up anyway before we spread some kind of nasty and infectious disease, hm?" Wash smiled winningly.

River returned the smile slowly. She always liked Wash, not that he'd ever know that, no matter how hard she tried to tell him.

He got to his feet easily, reached back for a portable mic—in case Mal wanted a rescue op as he so very often did—and returned to River. He slung and arm over her shoulders and led her carefully off the bridge. "Dare I ask what poor creature's blood that is? I hope it wasn't something cute, I like cute creatures."

"The man is stupid and wasn't paying attention," she said angrily.

"The man…well, Mal 'n Book aren't back yet and I'd like to think Simon is used to his lack of grace by now…I sure hope you don't mean me…that leaves Jayne. Am I right? Am I close? Or did I miss the boat?" Wash asked idly.

River laughed and nodded.

"Was he being mean again? Do I have to go kick him in the pigu? Cause I can try that, you know. I don't think I'd succeed, but I'd try. For your honour." They'd arrived at the dining room again, which was thankfully empty. He led her over to the sink and ran the water until it was a decent temperature before wetting a cloth. "You want to do it, or should I?"

River took the cloth thoughtfully. She held it in one hand letting the excess water drip through her fingers. Then taking the cloth she wiped at the blood on her arm.

"So what'd he do?" Wash asked idly. "Threaten to eat your brains? You musta shown him, if that's his blood."

River looked at him, "The knife slipped."

"Wonder where it slipped from," he mused. At least, he did until he heard the great clunking footsteps coming closer. Jayne was soon framed in the doorway, looking mightily pissed.

"That girl owes me a gorram explanation."

River's eyes widened a fraction, "She doesn't want to explain."

"Then gimme a promise," Jayne snapped.

"Uh…Jayne…? Do ya mind?" Wash asked.

"I ain't talkin' ta you, little man. I was drunk 'n now I ain't and I'm rightfully pissed about that. I want a promise!"

"She doesn't know what the man wants from her," River said sullenly.

"Maybe I'll write out a list. Yer not ta come anywhere anywhere near me. Not with nothin' sharp, not with nothin' 'splosive, not with nothin' at all!"

"Maybe we're being a bit hasty…?" Wash pointed out.

"That girl's got it out fer me, little man, 'n I ain't standin' fer it," Jayne growled.

Simon entered the pantry angrily, "What's going on in here?"

"Simon, now's not the time to be angry. In fact, let's all just…you know step back, take deep breaths. Meditate even! Book says it does wonders," Wash piped up.

"Ya guys fightin again?" Kaylee asked sounding disappointed. "Ya always fight."

Jayne snarled, "Yeah, well I think I'm justified."

"How about some tea? What do we all think of tea?" Wash asked.

"Make mine with wood alcohol," the merc grumbled.

Kaylee looked appalled, "Jayne!"

"Ya want me ta fight? That stuff'll get me drunk right quick," he snapped. Wash shot her a look that said, "Do you really want to argue?"

"No, jus' don' think alcohol'll cure all problems is all," she said backing off.

"Well, it'll sure cure mine," he muttered.

"_Hic!_ Where'd ya get this?" Jayne burped.

Kaylee grinned. "If I tell ya, we'd run out."

"Nuh uh, promise! 'S gooood," he grinned.

"Your promises are as good as _fei hua_," Simon muttered, fiddling with his broken glasses.

"Wha—? Wha's that mean?"

"He doesn't trust people," River whispered, smiling at he brother. Simon paled slightly, placing his glasses on the table. River looked perplexed. "Simon. You shouldn't anger this easily."

Jayne chuckled sinisterly. "'S cuz he thinks I almost killed his sister. The purdy doc's got his panties in a twist cuz there's blood on her's mine. My blood. Buddha's chickens 'n poodles." He nodded sagely before frowning. "Speakin' a poodles, what the hell're you wearin'?" he asked of Kaylee.

"Ya like it?" she asked, swishing the bottom half of the dress. "'Nara's lettin' me wear it. 'Pparently, it just got made."

"Fresh killed poodle? Tha's bad! Buddha's gonna smite ya one real good fer that." Jayne took another wig of Blue Sun finest.

"It ain't poodle, Jayne," Kaylee blustered. "I don' think yeh'd know fashion if it bit ya on yer hind quarters."

"Tha's cuz ya killed the poodle that'd bite me on said hind quarters," Jayne pointed out smugly.

Wash rolled his eyes. "Figures he'd get smart when he's drunk. I'm going to return to my post before Buddha smites us all."

Kaylee frowned, "You like the dress, dontcha Simon?"

"Well…it's…um. It's poofy…" Simon admitted.

"So, ya don' like it?"

"No!" Simon blurted. "I mean—wait!"

Kaylee scowled. "Well, least someone were honest."

"Kaylee, wait, I didn't say I didn't like it."

Wash whistled. "Well, I think now's the time to beat a hasty retreat."

"If ya don' like it, I can take it off," she offered.

"Yup, definitely leaving now," Wash said cheerfully. He ducked out of the galley without a backwards glance.

Simon blustered, "No…no…you can keep it on."

Jayne snickered. "Takin' it off ain't such a bad idea, y'know. Could stand ta see a bit more a our lil Kaylee."

Kaylee blushed bright red. "Ain't what I meant, Jayne."

"Ya sure? Cause I'm really startin' ta like the idea."

She frowned. "That all ya ever think 'bout?"

"Ain't been sexed in months; I'm hankerin'."

"Well, ya ain't getting' none from me."

Jayne scowled. "None a the girls here's accesssss….ccessss…none's 'vailable 'n a man c'n only shack up in 'is bunk fer so long," he muttered bitterly. He took another swig of alcohol. "Someone turn the ruttin' light down, the gorram light's givin' me pain."

"The lights ain't that bright," Kaylee said.

"Then turn 'em all the way off afore my eyeballs brunt a crispy fritters," he growled.

Kaylee laughed loudly and grabbed Simon by the arm. "Come on, Simon, let's leave the baby alone."

"Hey! I c'n kill ya with my brain!" Jayne yelled. River stared at him curiously over the rim of her teacup.

"Yeah? 'N what're ya lookin' at?" he muttered.

"Light scattering."

"Oh. Uh…that it?"

"And you."

"Me? What about me?" Unlike his previous conversations with River, this one was not yet malicious or threatening. He was too drunk to worry about her motives.

"Your mind is confused."

"Well…yeah. Yeah it is." He took another sip.

"It needs not to be."

"Well…can't jus' tell it ta behave. My mind don't work like that."

River cocked her head to the side and pulled her legs up beneath her. "Too hard to make sense."

"Yer tellin' me," he chuckled. "Too ruttin' hard."

She smiled, taking a delicate sip of the warm liquid. They sat in companionable silence for awhile, taking drinks whenever they got dry. Finally, Jayne gave up trying to be stalwart.

"River…?"

"River…?"

River smiled, placing the teacup down on the table to signal she was listening.

"Uh…River…" Jayne was suddenly very conscious of everything around him. He didn't think he'd ever called her River. But he had to have. Once or twice…maybe… "River…yer um…yer hair's nice. 'S…i's shiny."

River grabbed, her hair skeptically. The soft black strands slipped through her fingers as her grip loosened. It wasn't greasy so she could only assume he had meant it as a compliment, one which even though he was clearly drunk she would take willing.

"Forget me not blue," she whispered gazing into his glazed over eyes.

He grinned dopily. "What my momma said." He reached across the table as best as he could while still being inebriated and attempted to finger a strand of her raven-coloured hair tentatively. "Soft. Like I thought."

River bit her lip and blushed. She didn't bat his hand away as was proper but instead leaned just a bit forward so he could reach her hair more easily. Idly, she thought of how Simon might react to this. He'd probably try and find the most sinister way to kill Jayne.

"Feels nice," he mumbled. He did let go eventually, but there was an almost wistful look on his face. "Ain't never noticed afore."

"Never cared to," she said for him.

"Sorry 'bout that," he said quietly. He looked honestly sheepish, though it was debatable how much was influenced by drink.

River grinned and walked around the table her tea momentarily forgotten. She gently stroked his hair much in the way a mother would. "Not the man's fault. Circumstances."

"Circk…circ-circumstances?" he frowned.

River nodded, sitting on the tabletop. "They were unfavorable at best and horrible at worst and the girl is much too blame."

He cocked his head as though trying to wrap his head around the problem. "Blame? I uh…yer the girl, right? Why ain't ya callin' yerself by yer name or nothin'? Are ya ashamed a it?"

River bowed her head, swinging her bare feet back and forth. "River...River doesn't live here anymore."

That statement alone looked like it had nearly sent Jayne out of his own head. The frown that creased his forehead and narrowed his eyes threatened to deepen and he looked as perplexed as anyone's ever seen him. "Then uh…where'd she go? Where's she now?"

"The girl called River is lost in the maelstrom," she whispered. "She no longer exists but is an empty husk of the former girl."

"Uh…" Jayne seemed to be favouring the word a lot recently. "Anythin' I can do?"

She looked him over critically, "Make her sane."

Jayne scratched his head thoughtfully. "That possible? I mean…'s just me…Jayne. I ain't got a ruttin' idea how ta help ya. I mean…do you?"

"Don't hate her," she said in a hushed tone, "Don't fear her."

"I don' hate ya. I kinda wonder 'bout ya sometimes, but I don' think I fear ya either. Yer curious."

She looked up at him her brown eyes searched his blue for any sign of dishonesty. The open look in Jayne's eyes took her for surprise. "What makes him curious?"

"Cause I don' understand ya. Ya talk all funny." He gave a small shrug. "Like the whole usin' yer name thing. I gots plenny a reason ta dislike my name but…y'know…'s me. Jayne Cobb. They say yer smart 'n stuff 'n I ain't gonna doubt that. I just don't get ya, lil sis."

River gave him a weak smile, "She tries...River tries..." She mentally groaned, how hard was it to say the single letter I it was personal but at the same time it was just a letter. "Tries to be more like the others. Wants to fit in."

"Well…you wanna…ah hell, I dunno. You wanna do somethin'?" Jayne asked awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Captain daddy and Simon won't like it."

Jayne made a rude noise. "Since when'd I ever care 'bout what that prissy doc said? Prolly wouldn' let Mal catch ya callin' 'im cap'n daddy though. Might bust somethin' laughin' so ruttin' hard. Still don' answer my question though. Ya wanna do somethin' or not?"

"Yes," she said with surprising clarity.

"Like what?" he asked lazily. Almost like magic, he remembered that he had been drinking not to long ago, and took up the bottle yet again. It was with a heavy heart that he realized that it was empty.

"Sujested what now?" he asked.

River rolled her eyes. "Frustrating."

"Wha—?"

She grinned sheepishly, brushing her hair behind her shoulder as she had seen Kaylee do earlier. "Jayne isn't grasping things quickly. He is sluggish."

"Gorram right 'e is," he grumbled. "Can't ruttin' understand ya half the time, the other half yer givin' me all sortsa signif'cant looks 'n the rest a the time, I'm prolly drunk, like I should be."

"Man's natural state is not inebriation," she pointed out.

"I make a statement says otherwise."

She set her hands on the table behind her as she just stared at him. Her hair fell across her face hiding most of her features. "Explain and maybe she will believe."

"'S not important. Nobody listens ta me none, 'n I don' like words. Ya might as well get on back ta yer bunk or somethin'," Jayne sighed. Not only did he not understand the girl, but simply trying to made his head hurt. He rather liked the idea of a nap right then.

River looked at him sympathetically. "She told him not to drink." With that said, she leaned over and kissed his temple before running out of the mess.

Jayne groaned, not knowing whether to laugh or cringe. The girl was a mystery at the best of times. And his skull still hurt.

He cradled his head in his arms, trying to will the pain away. It wasn't working well, but the now complete absence of light made it ease off slightly. He had almost managed to drift off to sleep when heavy footsteps jerked him abruptly into wakefulness.

"Huh, wha—?"

"Why Jayne…you got yerself hung over again, didn't ya?" Mal looked positively cheerful, stomping into the dining area without a care in the world. He had what looked to be a golden pear clutched in his left fist, while his right gripped a knife with a pear chunk speared on the end. "If I didn't know any better, I'da said you'd gotten yerself drunk, cause that's what happens to get you hung over. But then I say, 'Not Jayne…Jayne'd never let himself get drunk while he's s'pposed to be guarding _Serenity_. Ain't that true, Jayne?"

Jayne cracked a red, weary eye open to try and discourage Mal from his cheerfulness. It worked so well, that Mal cheerfully had his back turned. He was rifling through the cabinets in search of something, when the first metal plate clattered into the sink. Then the second. It was the fifth bowl that Jayne began to suspect that Mal might be doing it on purpose.

"You know, I just can't find a good bowl for these pears. Them's good quality. Juicy. Ya might like one, Jayne, if you can eat past the fuzz growin' on yer tongue. Where are the bowls…?" Another dish fell onto the pile and Jayne clutched at his aching cranium.

"Mal, can't ya go be an ass somewhere else?"

"I surely can't, Jayne. I just got done fixin' a deal for them gorram chickens, I deserve to poke fun at crew worse off 'n me."

"Buddha's chickens," Jayne mumbled, replacing his head in his arms. He had inadvertently decided to ignore the jaunty captain. Mal saw this and couldn't help grinning to himself. Any excuse to rail Jayne was a good one, but if he did it too much, the novelty might wear off. That'd be bad.

He left Jayne to his sleeping and exited the dining room munching on his pear slice. He didn't even mind Zoë's sneaking up on him.

"Sir," she said, falling into step beside him. She cut another piece of pear with her small knife and popped in her mouth. She chewed it thoughtfully. "That could have gone off worse than it did."

"It coulda. Kinda glad we had the Shepherd on this time. Shepherds don't make habits a scarin' folk."

"No," Zoe agreed. "Shepards a good man. He sure knew how to drive a bargain. I think you could take lessons, sir."

"Ya sayin' I don' make good deals?" he asked with a dark look. "I'll have you know we done plenty good afore the Shepherd fell in with our unreligiostic selves." Mal sliced up another sliver of pear and munched it. The bridge was easily visible from there, and from the sound of it, Wash was talking to himself again.

"Of course sir," Zoë said, laughing. She then headed off towards the bridge, where her husband was waiting.

"Wife! You're just in time to see the mighty Iguanadon get munched by a T-rex! Of course, the T-rex is a gentle, but misunderstood giant. He doesn't really understand what he's doing…"

"You people, get a room someplace ain't my ship," Mal groaned. "Wash, take us up. And my right eye that T-rex is innocent." He didn't bother going all the way up to the bridge. Jayne's idea of sleeping off the rigours and smells of chicken ranching was pretty pleasing right then.

Wash rolled his eyes. "He clearly doesn't appreciate the intricacies involved in creating a stable environment in which these creatures thrive. They look to me for guidance, you know."

Zoë hummed in agreement, draping her arms around Wash's neck and resting her head against his shoulder. "That T-rex is looking mighty hungry, husband, perhaps it needs food?"

"Well, you know, I hear this T-rex is very partial to pears," Wash answered charmingly. "I don't suppose you managed to scrounge up one that isn't full of life-risking grenades?"

Zoe chuckled, placing half a pear in his hand, the other half she had consumed on the way there. "Will this do?"

"Knowing you, I didn't think you'd have to ask." He winked before taking a great bite out of the tough fruit. Wash had to fight not to laugh as extra juice dribbled down his chin, and barely managed to keep it at bay with a careless wrist swipe across the corner of his mouth. "Yeah," he replied later, "definitely do."

River sat cross-legged on her bed, sighing heavily. He had called her his little sister. Well, at least it was something. She would settle for not hating at the moment. Worrying her bottom lip, she couldn't help but wonder what had possessed her to act the way she had. It was terribly unlikely that Jayne would remember half of what was done or said, but River was rather counting on this. She heard Simon coming before he even slid open the door.

"Mei mei, are you feeling all right?"

Always concerned about her, River thought offering Simon a small, pointed smile. "Smitten from cupid's arrows," she replied whimsically.

Simon smiled slightly. "Have a crush, _meimei_?"

River shrugged, her eyes gleaming. "She cannot say."

"Well, River, let's just hope it's nothing more than a crush, right?" he asked hopefully.

She smiled and shook her head, "It will never grow into anything more."

"I'm…sorry?" It sounded weak, even to his ears, as though he were asking whether he should be or not.

River shrugged half-heartedly.

Simon crossed the room sit beside her on the bed so he could take her up in a one-armed hug. "You will _always_ be my _meimei_. Even if I don't know what to say. Know that I'll always love and support you."

River's lips thinned in a mock smile. "He means well. He tries, but when it's important he comes up short." She knew he would never support that decision, even if she could convince Jayne in a sober state to embrace it. But chances were good that she would never even get that far so Simon might never have to worry. After all, who listened to a crazy girl?

Though…he had offered to do something. Maybe she would take him up on that someday. He might have to be drunk again, but that could be arranged. River knew where Kaylee hid her stash. The thought was enough to make her smile vaguely.

"That's it, _meimei_," Simon sighed happily. "It'll be okay."

River's smile widened just a bit more. If only he knew…


End file.
